Disciplinary Action

The last few weeks have been an interesting time in my life. Well, interesting for me at least. Not sure anyone else would be all that fascinated to hear the details of what’s been happening. But hey, this blog is all about reaching a very limited audience, right? That’s what I thought. So without any further ado, (adieu? http://beesbuzz.biz/blog/e/2005/11/12-get_your_idioms.php) let’s dive in to the weeks past in the life of one Blako Townsley, shall we?
For those of you curious few, no, I have not forgotten about this blog. That limited audience I mentioned about twenty words ago is small, but very vocal. I appreciate the encouragement, Tim. In fact, I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog as a metaphor for the rest of my life. Started with good intentions, occasionally fulfills its purpose without making any real headway towards a larger goal or achievement, etc. Real cheery stuff, no? I’m mostly kidding about the lack of progress towards larger goals and achievements, it’s just that lately the notable milestones have been overshadowed by events of the not-so-distant past.
It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with my routine in getting to the gym. Most frequently, this has been blamed on the tribulations associated with attending grad school while holding down a full time job. The laundry list of obstacles included lack of a regular exercise time, exhaustion, homework, iPod breakdowns, etc. Whether or not these tribulations were a real challenge is debatable, since I seemed to get plenty of drinking, sleeping and goofing around done while I was working and learning. I’m nothing if not (semi-belatedly) self-aware of my shortcomings. I’ve got all sorts of problems keeping me from achieving my stated goal of losing weight. I’m a procrastinator. I’m compulsive. I’m impulsive. I’m selfish. I’m lazy. I lack foresight. I lack motivation. I lack the ability to self-motivate. You get the point.

And this is in light of the fact that I’ve been actually working out lately. Two or three times a week for the past three weeks. The reason for the reflection and negativity about my personal habits is rooted in work. This may or may not be a surprise to those of you out there, but work has not been so hot lately. About six weeks ago, I was placed on a performance improvement plan due to some problems I’d been having at work regarding the execution of my job responsibilities. The sad thing was, it wasn’t even a surprise. My manager, Mike, is a good guy who is one of those rare people who tells you he’s going to be honest with you, and then goes ahead and does it, regardless of how negative the message is. Mike had told me that in an effort to save my job, I was going to be put on this plan to prove to Mike’s boss that I was an employee worth retaining. This issue was in doubt due to some incidents earlier in the year where I was not diligent about collecting some legal fees from one of our clients. I put off asking because the timing wasn’t right, and I didn’t feel I was getting the support I needed from some members of my team, so I decided to let it go, figuring that someone else would take care of it. Turns out this wasn’t such a hot idea. We almost had to eat the fees, and only recovered them through special efforts of Mike, who did it to make me look better than I actually was.

Being put on the plan wasn’t something I took lightly. In fact, I’ve thought about little else for the past six weeks, as I’ve tried to maintain my job here as the economy crumbles around the world. I’ve gone through periods where I blamed my bosses for not properly motivating me, my team members for not helping out when it must have seemed clear that I couldn’t get the job done on my own, and, finally, myself for being such a reprehensible shitbag that I couldn’t stay on top of what is, at its essence, a ridiculously easy job. Hell, during the entire period, I knew it was my fault, I just didn’t want to accept the fact that I failed to live up to my responsiblities, since that is a terrible thing to have to admit. But fail I did. And no matter the reasons I came up with while trying to make myself feel better, I realized that the only reason any of this happened is that I lack a serious amount of discipline in my life. As I’m sure it is with most people, I prefer to be doing things that are interesting and challenging and fun. And when those elements are lacking, I tend to disengage and let my worst tendencies of procrastination and laziness dominate. And about the time this admission finally made its way to the forefront of my brain earlier this month, so too did the realization that this behavior spills over into my quest to get in shape and lose weight.

So, with this emotional baggage-laden digression, we get back to the purpose of this marathon posting: the working out. I mentioned earlier that I have been getting back to the gym about two or three times a week. That has been great, but like my job and other things in my life, I can do better. This blog is included in that, and yes, I realize that has been said before. But I am serious. School is over, work sucks, going to the gym and writing about it on a regular basis are both hard to do. I guess I’m making a pre New Years resolution to strive for more discipline in my life, to do all the things I say I will, and then follow through. I am trying to be a better persons, I promise, but as with all things in life, only time will tell. If encouragement is your thing, feel free to send some my way. If not, just the fact that you take the time to read this place for expression of my frustrations and exultations means a lot. Please stick with me, and we’ll see where this thing goes.

Cheers,
Blake